Dear Bill
by Terminally-Humanoid
Summary: Bill; happy, lively, funny - dying. His heart's racing against time and it's killing Sarah.   One shot.


_Dear Bill,_

_Do you remember the day we met? When you smiled up at me and told me I was beautiful? I wanted to tell you that you were the strangest and most beautiful thing I had ever seen, too, but I never got to because your eyes left me speechless, I couldn't even mumble out a simple 'Thank you'. I never believed in love at first sight, heck, I never believed in true love but you changed that, you made me want to jump and scream and laugh and cry and smile forever, you left my heart fluttering - it still is. Your childish personality was so lively and your maturity left me in awe, how a twenty year old could have so much thought behind his eyes and how deep your words sounded every time you opened your mouth. Everything about you left me needing more, every second I wasn't with you, I felt empty. I remember you saying you were not put on this earth to love but that I proved you wrong, that you realized you were in fact capable of loving another and trusting them like you did with me. I loved the way your lips felt against mine, how comfortable I felt with your body against mine. You asked questions to get to know me better, you grinned when I told you I loved monkeys and scowled when I said I loved apples because you were allergic but you still loved me. You still held me close, as if I was about to break into a million pieces right there in your long arms. _

_But then, one day, you were too weak to hold me, you couldn't even stand up without help. Your eyes left me - I didn't recognize this non-smiling, grim, quiet, unfamiliar boy who looked just like you. I cried until three in the morning in our bed, with your sleeping body next to me. The next day, Tom made you go to the hospital, you fought to stay but you had no fight left in you, so you went with him. I sat in his car with your cold hand in mine, you leaned on my shoulder and went back to sleep. I stroked your limp black hair and sighed, I prayed for you to get better. For whatever that was happening to you, to just leave, to bring back my happy Bill who always had his arms open for me. I know it must sound selfish but I wanted you back because I knew that without you, my life would lose all meaning, that I wouldn't be able to survive without the second half of my heart that was you. I held you close to me because I knew that if I let go, you would break into a million pieces in my arms. I didn't doubt it. When we got to the hospital, Tom lifted you and carried you in his arms. I couldn't follow him in, I didn't want to just then and I knew that was a horrible thing to do. To leave your side. But I sat outside the hospital by myself and cried into the scarf you let me borrow two months ago that I never gave back. You didn't mind, right? You smiled every time I wore it and said it was made for me. Thank you. I cried harder and longer then than I had ever cried because you were all I had left. The one I loved - and still do. Tom came out and told me that you wanted me, his eyes were red and his cheeks had faint tear marks etched into them. What was wrong? I tried to ask him but the words couldn't make it past my throat. All I could do was cry, so that was all I did. I followed him into the white building, through countless corridors, up in two lifts and through a room full of waiting strangers until we got to the door that had a 'Kaulitz, Bill' tag on it. I almost couldn't find the energy to push open the baby blue door but knowing you were there, waiting, on the other side, pushed me to turn the cold, steel doorknob. I'm sure I saw the corners of your mouth turn up and the faint ghost of a smile cross your face but before I could respond, it was gone. Bill, what was wrong? Before I knew it, I was in your arms, crying against your chest and soaking your pale green hospital gown. You kissed the top of my head and hugged me like old times. I felt safe, I felt happy, I needed you. You had wires stuck into your pale arms and strange bottles and packages were hooked to them at the other ends. They scared me, can you believe it? I was being scared by a couple of bottles. But I was scared because I didn't know what was happening and why you of all people had to suffer. What was happening? I wanted to ask you but I wasn't sure I wanted an answer. "I love you," You whispered._

_"I love you too." I echoed, looking up to see tears in your now pale hazel eyes. Why did your eyes look so... So unfocused then? You were staring off at something far away, beyond the four white walls of that room. You were good at that, at looking beyond what something was and to what it could be. I loved you for being able to look deeper into people, to realize their hardships, their insecurities, their faults but you had this way of making them feel like they were the most important people in the world. How did you do it? Was it all those years at school when you were wronged? I admire you for not going back and rubbing it in their faces how great your life turned out, instead, you forgave them. Remembering all this made me cry harder into you, you simply rubbed my back. I realized then that I was being selfish, I wasn't the one in hospital, I wasn't the one who was too weak to hold himself up so I rubbed my eyes and looked at you. I stared into your eyes but they were lost, gone. I wove my fingers through yours and waited for you to do something - anything. You merely stroked my cheek and wiped away the tears. I needed you to say something, I wanted to say something, why couldn't we find the words? Maybe because we didn't need any. Tom was beside me, silent and numbly watching you. I knew he would want time with you so I left. I closed the door behind me and leaned against it for support as I cried. Tom's words were muffled by the door but I knew he was having a hard time trying to find the right words. I still don't know what he said, I haven't asked and he hasn't told me. You were too weak to respond with full sentences, that's all he's mentioned. Next thing I knew, doctors and nurses rushed into your room and carried you out on a trolley bed. Your eyes were closed. Tom came out last and stood next to me. I leaned against him and he wrapped his arms around me, like a brother. _

_Hours passed and you still weren't out of the operation room. The doctor couldn't tell us what was wrong with you, but that they were doing everything they could to keep you here. I couldn't stop myself trembling, the thought of you gone killed a part of me. I still haven't healed, although I was never expecting any sort of recovery. Georg and Gustav had joined us by the time you got out of the operating room, your eyes were still closed. The doctor, he was a middle aged man, came out with his clipboard and informed us that there was something wrong with your heart. Bill, what could've been wrong with your heart? I didn't know because I stopped hearing the words tumbling out of his mouth. He couldn't possibly have been talking about you, the thought ran through my head and I almost convinced myself that I was right. But then when I looked at Tom and the guys I knew it was you. We were all silent, we didn't have any words, Tom couldn't bring himself to ring your mother, she was in Germany at the time. What was it about you that made everyone you met fall in love with you? It was your big heart, your warm, gentle heart but it was faltering. Your heart was weak at that point. I would've given anything to pull you out of your pain, God knows I would've traded places with you if I could. The nurse said you weren't ready for visitors, that you needed your rest. What was going through your mind? Were you scared? You were one of the most fearless people I had ever met but surely you were just a bit scared? I stared at my hands, they looked so unfamiliar without your fingers intertwined in them. I knew you were fighting, I hoped you were fighting to stay. There were so many questions I had to ask you, so many things I wanted to tell you but I had to wait until the nurse thought you were strong enough to handle visitors. Hurry up! I pleaded to you, I hoped you got my telepathic message. You must have because soon enough we were allowed to see you. Something pierced my heart before I got to your room, I felt breathless and I couldn't find my words. Bill, I swear I forgot English when I thought about you lying there. So I waited outside your door, hugging myself and letting tears paint my face. They were tears for you; every tear had your name on it and your face, your smiling face. _

_When I got into your room, you were just lying there, motionless with your eyes open. You acknowledged my presence by looking at me and greeting me with your amazing eyes. You were back. I ran into your arms, I buried my head in your silky hair and hugged your fragile body. "I'm okay," You whispered. I wanted desperately to believe you but something about the way you said it scared me. I hugged you and if I could've, I would've stayed there like that forever. You kissed my neck with those soft lips of yours. They burned through my frozen skin and melted everything away. I turned to face you and before I had any time to think, our lips met and I knew that was what I needed. I leaned over your bed and kissed you with everything I had left. All the passion, love, lust, hurt, urgency, joy, anger, confusion and every other feeling you made me feel, and you responded, with what I imagine was all your strength. You whispered about how much you loved me when you kissed my neck and wove your fingers through my hair. I couldn't reply, I just kissed you like it was the only thing I could do. I felt you going limp, you must've been tired, so I pulled back and just wove my fingers together with yours. That was the best kiss you had ever had, the second, you said, was our first kiss. I smiled at you, you always knew what to say, even when you were the one who needed words of comfort. I'm sorry I didn't say anything; you knew how horrible I was with that kind of stuff. Then you said you would miss me. Bill, you scared me. More than you probably know. I felt numb, Bill, why did you say that? Did you have no hope left? _

_You know what's funny? In times like that, you were my rock, my shoulder to lean on but there was no-one there then. I had no stability, that's what living without you could do to a person. I needed you to fight to stay, I hoped you could find a reason to stay - if not for all your fans, then for us, Tom, Georg, Gustav, your parents - your family and I. Please Bill, please don't leave, I thought. The next day, I woke up to your weak, raspy voice asking me to get up. Tom was asleep in a chair on the other side of your bed. You smiled at me, but it was a sad smile, one that twisted my stomach into tight knots. I knew something was wrong. You whispered, "I love you."_

_"I love you too Bill." I managed to find the words but I didn't know what was happening. Your heart was still beating, I could still feel your pulse, you were still breathing, blinking, smiling, so what happened? _

_You whispered the next bit quietly and stared straight into my eyes, "Will you let me leave?"_

_"What?" I was so confused. Where did you want to go?_

_"Will you let me leave?" You asked again and raised your eyes to the ceiling. I finally understood what you meant. How could you ask me a question like that? How could I have determined whether you should've left or not? Bill, that was the hardest question I had ever been asked but the answer came so easily._

_"Yes." It was what you wanted, right? Bill, it was only then that I truly understood what they meant when they said 'If you love someone, let them go,' I loved you Bill. So I let you go. "Bill, I love you so much and I'm sor-"_

_"Why are you sorry?" You cut me off and left me speechless. "Please don't ever, ever, blame yourself for me. This is not your fault. You didn't do this to me and I just need to know that you know that." You held my face in your warm hands. I nodded, a single tear ran down my cheek. Somehow your eyes said it all, and just by looking into them, I understood. I couldn't help but feel like bursting into tears and clinging onto you so that no-one could take you away - not even death. You weren't ready; you still had so much life left in you. But you smiled at me and made me feel brave and strong. I wrapped my arms around your small body, you kissed my hair, and then looked at me and kissed me. For a brief moment but those few seconds told me that this was the right thing to do so I let you go. You woke Tom up, he was surprised at first but after a few seconds, he knew. You spoke to him in German and gave him something. He hugged you and over your shoulder, I saw his tears. Then Tom came over to me and held my hand as you lay your head down. We both held your hands and you smiled at us. "You're beautiful." You whispered to me._

_"Thank you." I finally got to say it. I loved you so much. The heart rate monitor beeped a few more times before you closed your glittering hazel eyes and it gave out a long beep. You were gone. Your hand fell limp in mine and I buried my head in Tom's chest. _

_I hope this letter somehow finds its way to you, Bill. I have a feeling it will. Losing you killed me but I'm trying to live again. For you. I hope you knew just how much I loved you, I still love you with every bone in my body. And not a day goes by that I don't think of you, remember, to me you will always be forever sacred._

_Love always, and even until after death,_

_Sarah_

I rolled up the long piece of paper, stained with words and tears, and placed it in the bottle. "Are you ok?" Tom asked.

"Yeah," I whispered. I twisted the cap of the bottle into place and got out of the car. Tom followed me quietly. We walked to the edge of the cliff next to the cemetery. The waves were calm today, that was rare, I knew it was some sort of sign. I took a deep breath and held on to Tom's hand.

"Ready?"

"Ready." I echoed with certainty. I let tears cloud my vision as I drew my arm back with the bottle. I flung it into the sea, the deep blue; aquamarine below swallowed it up within seconds. Tom pulled me into his chest and I hugged him. I cried but I was happy.

"Bill gave me this," He rummaged in his pocket as we were walking back and pulled out an envelope. "He asked me only to give you it when I thought you were ready. I think you're ready." He attempted a smile and handed me the small envelope. It had 'Sarah' scribbled onto it in Bill's handwriting. I felt scared. I wanted so badly to rip open the envelope but I also wanted to savour it. To take in everything. I couldn't bring myself to open it, I was far too scared.

"Tom, I'm scared." I whispered, my hands trembling.

"Don't be," He held my hand to stop it shaking. We walked quietly, I was wondering what to do next and Tom was patient. He stopped walking when we reached Bill's tombstone. That piece of glistening white marble with his name and birth-death details was bad enough but all the flowers and teddy bears made me cry. He was loved, I hoped he knew that. I knelt down and traced his name on the tombstone. I pulled back and slowly pealed the envelope open.

_Dear Sarah,_

_I'm writing this at 2 am, you're asleep in the plastic seat next to me, Tom's on the other side. This is exactly how I wanted to go. I needed to know that you were there. You are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen - and I've seen quite a few girls in my life. Your laugh made me smile, your heart was big and you understood me. I loved the way you made me feel; you were so blind to your beauty, inside and out. Every time you smiled at me, your eyes told me everything would be ok. You made my heart burn, my stomach tie itself up in knots, my words stick in my throat; you let me feel love again. I will miss that. I hope you know just how much I needed someone like you. Your sense of humor, your opinionated mind, your will to see the good in everyone. What did I ever do to deserve you? You could've done so much better than me but I'm so thankful you stuck with me. I don't know how I lived my life so long without you. _

_I'm sorry for what this thing has done to you. I didn't want you to cry, I never thought anyone would cry for me. I was awake that night, at 3 am when you were crying, you thought I was asleep. I'm sorry for everything. I wanted more than anything to hold you in my arms and make you feel better but I was too weak. I hate myself for being so weak. I wanted to kiss you, to wipe away your tears and see you smile but how could I do that when I was the reason for your pain? And then when I got to the hospital, I missed you. I asked Tom if he could see if you wanted to see me, I would've understood if you didn't. But you came. I could feel every part of me smile, I hoped you could see that. Then you ran into my arms and wept on my chest. I hated seeing you cry, especially over me. I don't know if I'm worth it. I had so much to tell you but the only thing I could say was 'I love you.' I knew then that that was all I really did need to say. But when you whispered it back, it made me cry. You had said it so many other times but this time it was special. I don't know why, maybe the way your eyes looked at me was different. Tom came in after you, he talked to me about everything, he was scared too. Tom, the brave and smart one was scared. It pained me to see him in tears; I watched as each single tear made its way down his face. Was I really even worth all this pain? Please tell him I'm sorry, I couldn't tell him everything I wanted to._

_When the doctors rushed me out of the room, I was scared. I don't know how to put it but it was a 'good' scared. I wanted to come back to you, to see your smile. Then when I woke up to your sad, scared face I couldn't find the words to say to make your face break out into a smile. I kissed your neck; I missed you, even if it had only been a few hours. You kissed me back, your scent intoxicating me and I swore I was in heaven. I wanted to make sure you knew how I felt, every emotion. All the pain, love, sorrow, anguish - everything. I meant it when I said that was the best kiss I had ever had. When I told you I would miss you, your face froze. I'm sorry for that, I didn't mean it to hurt you, I just wanted you to know. All I needed was you. Your sweet eyes, your warm brown hair, your reassuring words. You. _

_Sarah, I want you to be happy. I want you to live. I hope you don't forget our love. But I don't want to leave this world knowing you're suffering because of me, so please, for me, live. I don't want to leave you at all but I know I have to. I know it's my time but I will always be thinking of you. You made me want to live and love and cry and smile. You made me happy. I hope you understand my decision, I know you will._

_I love you, I've always loved you from the second I looked into your eyes. I know I'm dying but I know our love will live, remember, to me you'll be forever sacred._

_Love, always and forever - more than anyone knows,_

_Bill._

I wiped a tear from my face as I folded the paper. Every word twisted my stomach into another knot, yet it loosened every ache in my heart. It felt as though Bill was right there with me, his hand in mine, smiling. It was perfect; he still knew how to make me smile, even after he'd passed. "How do you do it?"' I smiled as I asked the silent question to the clear blue skies.


End file.
